You sat there, writing away in that fancy script of yours, insisting I do not look your way.
I sat on the carpet with my belongings sprawled out on the floor, hurriedly packing so that I could spend every last second with you. No need to fold things. Throw it all in there. Every moment counted.
You finished, stuck the card in an envelope, and handed it to me, smiling. The card reminded you of me, you said. It was cute and silly and smiley and had one of those cheesy play-on-words you knew I loved.
“Don’t read it until you get on the plane.”
I agreed, and we sat there together, my arm around your arm, my head on your shoulder, not really knowing what to say or do.
“Can I read it in the cab?” I didn’t want to wait.
We hugged, and you gave me a kiss. It was bright and beautiful outside, and I could feel the breeze on my face. My heart hurt. It would have been the perfect day to spend with you. It’s okay, I thought to myself. Just a month… just a month, and we’ll be together again.
As I pulled your card out of my bag, I remembered another card you had written me. It was one of the nicest cards I had ever received. You had told me that I was the most beautiful thing in your life, constantly smiling, always singing, forever sharing my warmth with others. I didn’t tell you, but I nearly cried as I read it. I had no idea, however, that even then, you had someone else on your mind. That your heart was growing further from mine. She isn’t good for you, you know. That beautiful girl you wrote about in that card? She could not be further from it. You just have no idea. Maybe one day, you’ll see what everyone else sees. Just an incredibly awkward and selfish girl with no empathy, plastic on the outside and plastic on the inside. Then again… you would like her— you two are exactly the same. It should make sense to me, but for some reason, it doesn’t.
This card was sweet too. More kind words, more lies cloaked in eloquence and affected sincerity. You had written that I was cute, smiley.. uplifting. That my eyes and smile could light up even your darkest days. That you hoped nothing would crush my spirit because it was a strong and fiery one. Did you know you’d be the one to do it? To crush my spirit, that is.
I felt my phone buzz. It was a text from you. You said you missed me already. You missed me “plopping around your apartment.” My heart flew and fell at the same time, as I truly missed you dearly, just having left you a minute ago.
I think I always knew you weren’t right for me. In the back of my mind, I often questioned your heart, your ability to feel compassion and empathy. You never were the man I wanted you to be, the man I believed you could be. I just didn’t care. I had already fallen, and I was devoted. Glimpses of kindness from you meant the world to me. It’s funny… you really liked how I used to refer to myself as hopelessly hopeful; it was one of the first things you noticed about me. Unfortunately, being hopelessly hopeful was my biggest downfall when it came to you and me.
I left you that day not knowing it was the end, not knowing that I would never see you again. At least not the you I knew and loved.
1 year ago